"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, 
but the silence of our friends" - Martin Luther King Jr
"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
Dear Journal: I've figured out what's been causing my writer's cramp, that's why this is my last entry.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
Elephants wear tu-tus so they can hide in pine trees. Did you ever see an elephant in a pine tree? No? Well then, you know it works.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
I have spent most of my money on women and beer. The rest I just wasted...
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Springer.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Behind every great man is a great woman...and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her butt!
Can you yell "Movie!" in a crowded fire station?
Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you!
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing our living rooms.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
Eschew Obfuscation.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
There's no future in time travel.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy
What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Iguana: The other green meat.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Today's subliminal thought is:
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Above all else: Sky.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." - God
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
A rock --> me <-- A hard place
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.
Assassins do it from behind.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. (the hours are good though)
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of us.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are... erm... thingy
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
SUSHI DO: The way of the Tuna.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.
Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Necrophilia means never having to say... well, anything!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
You say tomato, I say ketchup.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Wouldn't it be great if age and gravity did to a penis what it does to boobs? -Bob Jones
Why is it best to use the outhouse at noon? That's when the flies are in the kitchen.
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.
' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.'
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
Condense soup, not books
The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called because of rain.
Forest fires only lead to Smokey Bear - prevent them!
Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
We reserve the right to arm bears.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.
I doubt therefore I might be.
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
I guess surrealism's not your cup of tuna.
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...
60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself.
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Pave the planet! One world. One people. One slab of asphalt.
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A wolf in sheep's clothing needs professional help.
When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.
"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, the doctor nearly had a heart attack!
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
"Streakers *repant* your end is in sight."
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.
I've got a plan so sharp you could pick your teeth with it.
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
We now return you to abnormal programming.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit
on the Friday the 13th/Halloween horror flicks those kids are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone
It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village.
Clones are people two.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
Because of the California Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
'Bother!' said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs.
I'm gonna survive or die trying.
Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.
Leave road kill for the next car.
A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not too bright and it spreads easily..
Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.
640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Doesn't it seem odd to use a sterile needle to give a lethal injection?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
If a duck only has 1 leg, does he swim in circles?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with Braille on them.
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.
Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Zen meditation isn't what you think...
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Silence is not always golden... sometimes it is yellow.
You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little bastards get cancer?
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
The more you cry, the less you have to pee.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
How to become immortal: Read this signature tomorrow and follow its advice.
Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.
"Just say no" prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Everyone wants a bus service to their door, but no one wants a bus service in their street.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?
A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'.
The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts.
Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. - Napoleon Bonaparte
If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead.
Some people have a way with words, others not have way.
I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees.
Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton
Illegal drugs are the chlorine in the gene pool.
Roget's Thesaurus rules, dominates, regulates, OK, all right, adequately.
People don't see the world as it is, but as they are.
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight, when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow
The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.
Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.
A classic is a book that is much praised yet rarely read.
If I get male pattern baldness, I'd like zigzags please.
Anybody can quit smoking. It takes a real man to fight lung cancer!
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
If an infinite number of rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in Braille.
Rehab is for quitters.
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
I've worn contact lenses so long I can put them in with my eyes closed.
Projecting empaths - You got to feel sorry for them.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Constant change is here to stay
That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
A language is a dialect with an army.
An artist avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
What could be worse than having climbed the ladder of success, only to find it is against the wrong wall.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through... The future ain't what it used to be.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a seat has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!
My mother and I were talking about my dog's food, and I mentioned it smelled like pork. "I wonder why it smells like pork," said my mom. It was pork...
A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people. - Giordano Bruno
"If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time." - Edith Wharton
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
A gentle stream can split a mountain, given enough time.
Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.
The Moral Majority is neither.
The Romans didn't find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.
Stopping at third base adds no more runs than striking out. - Unknown
If a cat has nine lives does that mean the ones that get run over were already on their ninth life?
'We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.'
Pandemonium was a word invented by Lewis Carroll, naming the capital of Hell.
Time is money, money is the root of all evil, and knowledge is power. Therefore, procrastination is the key to world peace.
If beauty is only skin deep, I must be inside out!
Why aren't there any nuts or grapes in grape nuts?
The future has many names: for the fearful it's the unknown, for the reckless it's the adventure, for the pessimists it's the unattainable. For the brave, it is opportunity.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If James Bond was an Amish spy, he would drink buttermilk. Shaken not churned.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them." - E.V. Lucas
A wishbone has never taken place of a backbone.
The 'Oxtail Soup' beverage offered as an option on drink vending machines is simply a way of disposing of the miscellaneous liquids that collect in the drip tray.
Did you ever notice that in commercials advertising psychics, they're always going on and on about what the caller already knows? What good is that to anyone?
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Idiots of a feather, flock together.
If everything tastes like chicken, what does chicken taste like?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.
Camels have 3 eyelids.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
People who say, 'Never give up' can never accept the inevitable.
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Linux is only free if your time isnt worth anything.
Only the dead have seen the end of war: Plato.
Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose
Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years
Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Ambivalent? Well yes and no..
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Earth is full. Go home.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
If assholes could fly, this place would be a fucking airport.
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one." Mark Twain.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." 
"I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare 
Excuse me, but is it your job to spread ignorance? 
Is your masturbator's elbow making it difficult to type?
Yet another idiot suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. 
Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or an hereditary one? 
If I had wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted. 
That cow, pig or chicken that you murdered and ingested will exact it's revenge upon you from the inside. They're doing so now, and I don't blame them a bit...
A. Top posters.
Q. What is the most annoying thing on Usenet?
"First they came for the Communists, and I didnt speak up, because I wasnt a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didnt speak up, because I wasnt a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didnt speak up, because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me." Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945
"A human can be healthy without killing animals for food. Therefore if he eats meat he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite." Leo Tolstoy
"Compassion for animals is intimately connected with goodness of character and it may be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to animals cannot be a good man." Arther Schopenhauer (philosopher)
"Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself." James A. Froude (1818-1894) 
Tech Support: "This is technical support returning your call for support. How can I help you?" Customer: "I want to lodge a complaint." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "I specifically asked you not to program my Internet with pornography. I want it removed immediately." 
"I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?" 
"The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?" 
"I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?" 
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea" 
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of shit when you least expect it." 
--spaf (1992)
it was during an investigation yesterday that i realised that the very fabric of space time was folded up between the cells in our brains so thinly that medical science would never discover it. everything that could possibly happen, everything you could possibly think of, exists within your brain and everything that has happened, is happening now and will happen is just a fraction of millionth of a millionth of a centimetre from your pineal gland. the thoughts you think influence reality more directly than you can possibly imagine. all together we are like babies with machine guns, firing them off without a clue what we are doing. together we must learn to control this newly discovered aspect, to harness it, to use it for good, not evil. as nietzsche predicted, we are about to become supermen, we are about to learn to control our own destiny. we are about to discover everlasting life, and each of us can be as a god can be. 
Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.   - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900) 
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.   - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)
I believe in equal rights. I believe that women should get equal pay for equal jobs. I believe women should have control of their bodies and be in positions of power. But I also believe that men should be men and women should be, well, women. Women should be soft and smart and mysterious. And men should have their own tools. 
I pine for the sheer stupidity of the old macho days, when men would brandish hammers and build huge, bulky cars that sucked up gas and tore open the ozone layer and crushed small animals beneath totally useless but totally cool-looking tail fins. When men were apes with good shoes and a dental plan. John Wayne, John Huston, Bill Holden, Bob Mitchum, Clark Gable, Babe Ruth, Lee Marvin, Sam Peckinpah. Men who drank and fought and puked and ate raw meat right off the bone and drank some more and fought some more and puked again and kept on drinking. Men who died of massive heart attacks or sudden brain seizures or who just a in fucking blew up. Men who had cancer six or seven times. Men made out of leather. 
At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. 
Absorb this info and you should be on your way. If you have any further questions, call 1-800-COJONES. Remember: We're men. Big, boxy, sweaty, ignorant men. We have penises. Well, we used to have penises. Either way, I think Billy Martin, the late Yankees manager, said it best when he said, "Hey, I can drive."
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.   - P.J. O'Rourke
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.   - P.J. O'Rourke (1947- ) 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 
Hell is other people - J.P. Sartre
Jack: Wendy, let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me! And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. You understand? Wendy: Yeah. Jack: Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing [types], or whether you DON'T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don't come in! Now, do you think you can handle that? Wendy: Yeah. Jack: Good. Now why don't you start right now and get the fuck out of here? Hm?
Waking up the NSA watchers: SIGINT BALLISTIC TELSAT KGB GRU LIBYA SAM ATTACK GRAIL IRA PLASTIQUE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER LUMINOSO TRAINING BGS GRANATWERFER 
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. (William Clayton) 
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Son: Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Mom: Shut up and get away from the dart board! 
Son:   Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Mom:   Shut up and get the marshmallows! 
Son:   Mommy, mommy! I don't want any more hamburger! Mom:   Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder. 
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running so fast? Mom: Shut up, and shoot! 
Son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale? Mom: Shut up and keep digging. 
Son:   Mommy, mommy, can I have a cookie? Mom:   Yes, the cookies are on the top shelf.  son:   But mommy, I haven't got any arms! Mom:   No arms, no cookie... 
Son:   Mommy, Mommy! I can't breathe! Mom:   Good, it's working. 
Son:   Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas? Mom:   Nope. You already have your wheelchair. 
Her face was her chaperone.
Here's a Quarter, call somebody who cares.
You've been seen talking to cats.  You understand what they're saying.
When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook.
You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them. 
You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. 
You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.
You commit blasphemy in the plural.
When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.
You know that there is a right way & a wrong way to draw a pentacle. 
You talk to trees. They talk back.
You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, & dancing naked sounds like fun.
Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."
You pray nightly to the god of big tires.
"Damn Straight!" replaces "Blessed Be".
You consider chewing tobacco to be a sacred herb.
You measure wisdom by the length of a beard.
You worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar.
Your God statue looks like Elvis.
Your Goddess picture says "Miss September".
YOU! Out of the gene pool NOW!
Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.  -Thomas De Quincey
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.  -Bart Simpson
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.  -Elizabeth Taylor
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. -Mae West
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -Mae West
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.   - Jim Haye
People have much pleasure in cruelty, a step forward is to be pleased with spiritual in stead with physical torture.
Impatience is a virtue.
The shortest distance between two points is through Hell.   - Brian Clark 
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A friend might well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A good intention but fixed and resolute - bent on high and holy ends, we shall find means to them on every side and at every moment; and even obstacles and opposition will but make us "like the fabled spectre-ships," which sail the fastest in the very teeth of the wind. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man makes inferiors his superiors by heat; self-control is the rule. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man of genius is privileged only as far as he is genius. His dullness is as insupportable as any other dullness. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man's library is a sort of harem. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
All conservatives are such from personal defects. They have been effeminated by position or nature, born halt and blind, through luxury of their parents, and can only, like invalids, act on the defensive. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
All mankind love a lover. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end. though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Art is a jealous mistress, and if a man has a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an ill provider. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. Then all things are at risk. It is as when a conflagration has broken out in a great city, and no man knows what is safe, or where it will end. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
By the rude bridge that arched the flood, Their flag to April's breeze unfurled, Here once the embattled farmers stood, And fired the shot heard round the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Can anything be so elegant as to have few wants, and to serve them one's self? - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Children are all foreigners. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Commit a crime and the earth is made of glass. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Common sense is genius dressed in working clothes. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Condense some daily experience into a glowing symbol, and an audience is electrified. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Conversation is an art in which a man has all mankind for competitors. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do what you know and perception is converted into character. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every great and commanding movement in the annals of the world is the triumph of enthusiasm. Nothing great was ever achieved without it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every hero becomes a bore at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Far or forgot to me is near; Shadow and sunlight are the same; The vanished gods to me appear; And one to me are shame and fame. They reckon ill who leave me out; When me they fly, I am the wings; I am the doubter and the doubt, And I the hymn the Brahmin sings. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Finish each day before you begin the next, and interpose a solid wall of sleep between the two. This you cannot do without temperance. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Foolish legislation is a rope of sand, which perishes in the twisting. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please; you can never have both. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Great men are they who see that spiritual is stronger than any material force, that thoughts rule the world. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happiness is a perfume which you cannot pour on someone without getting some on yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
He is great who confers the most benefits. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
He who has a thousand friends Has not a friend to spare, While he who has one enemy Shall meet him everywhere. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hitch your wagon to a star. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I dip my pen in the blackest ink, because I am not afraid of falling into my inkpot. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I like the silent church before the service begins, batter than any preaching. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I look on that man as happy, who, when there is question of success, looks into his work for a reply. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
If a man knows the law, find out, though he live in a pine shanty, and resort to him. And if a man can pipe or sing, so as to wrap the imprisoned soul in an Elysium; or can paint a landscape, and convey into souls and ochres all the enchantments of Spring or Autumn; or can liberate and intoxicate all people who hear him with delicious songs and verses; it is certain that the secret cannot be kept; the first witness tells it to a second, and men go by fives and tens and fifties to his doors. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labour, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
If we encounter a man of rare intellect, we should ask him what books he reads. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Intellect annuls fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? - Ralph Emerson
It is not length of life, but depth of life. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is very easy in the world to live by the opinion of the world. It is very easy in solitude to be self-centred. But the finished man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. I knew a man of simple habits and earnest character who never put out his hands nor opened his lips to court the public, and having survived several rotten reputations of younger men, honour came at last and sat down with him upon his private bench from which he had never stirred. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It makes a great difference in the force of a sentence, whether a man be behind it or no. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Let us be silent, that we may hear the whispers of the gods. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Life is eating us up. We all shall be fables presently. Keep cool: it will be all one a hundred years hence. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man is a piece of the universe made alive. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Man was born to be rich, or grow rich by use of his faculties, by the union of thought with nature. Property is an intellectual production. The game requires coolness, right reasoning, promptness, and patience in the players. Cultivated labour drives out brute labour. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Men are conservatives when they are least vigorous, or when they are most luxurious. They are conservatives after dinner. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Men are what their mothers made them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Money, which represents the prose of life, and which is hardly spoken of in parlours without an apology, is, in its effects and laws, as beautiful as roses. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature hates calculators. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature is a mutable cloud, which is always and never the same. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature is full of freaks, and now puts an old head on young shoulders, and then takes a young heart heating under fourscore winters. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never read any book that is not a year old. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
No great man ever complains of want of opportunity. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
No man ever prayed heartily without learning something. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of our own mind. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing is beneath you if it is in the direction of your life. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Often a certain abdication of prudence and foresight is an element of success. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our knowledge is the amassed thought and experience of innumerable minds. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
People only see what they are prepared to see. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
People wish to be settled. It is only as far as they are unsettled that there is any hope for them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Proverbs are the literature of reason, or the statements of absolute truth, without qualification. Like the sacred books of each nation, they are the sanctuary of its intuitions. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Reading for Ceremony: Give all to Love; Obey thy heart; Friends, kindred, days, Estate, good-fame, Plans, credit and the Muse, Nothing refuse. 'Tis a brave master; Let it have scope: Follow it utterly, Hope beyond hope: High and more high It dives into noon, With wing unspent, Untold intent; But it is a god, Knows its own path And the outlets of the sky. It was never for the mean; It requireth courage stout. Souls above doubt, Valour unbending. It will reward, They shall return More than they were, And ever ascending... - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Science does not know its debt to imagination. Goethe did not believe that a great naturalist could exist without this faculty. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Self-trust is the essence of heroism. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Solitude, the safeguard of mediocrity. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sooner of later that which is now life shall be poetry, and every fair and manly trait shall add a richer strain to the song. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Stay at home in your mind. Don't recite other people's opinions. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Strong men greet war, tempest, hard times. They wish, as Pindar said, to tread the floors of hell, with necessities as hard as iron. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Take egotism out and you would castrate the benefactors. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tell them dear, that if eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being: Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose! I never sought to ask, I never knew: But, in my simple ignorance suppose The selfsame power that brought me there brought you. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The adventitious beauty of poetry may be felt in the greater delight with a verse given in a happy quotation than in the poem. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ancestor of every action is a thought. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The best effect of fine persons is felt after we have left their presence. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The best lightning rod for your protection is your own spine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The essence of all jokes, of all comedy, seems to be an honest or well intended halfness; a non performance of that which is pretended to be performed, at the same time that one is giving loud pledges of performance. The balking of the intellect, is comedy and it announces itself in the pleasant spasms we call laughter. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The faith that stand on authority is not faith. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The god of the cannibals will be a cannibal, of the crusaders a crusader, and of the merchants a merchant. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The greatest homage we can pay truth is to use it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The imbecility of men is always inviting the impudence of power. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The key to every man is his thought. Sturdy and defying though he look, he has a helm which he obeys, which is the idea after which all his facts are classified. He can only be reformed by showing him a new idea which commands his own. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The less a man thinks or knows about his virtues, the better we like him. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conducted, will yield the imagination a higher joy than any fiction. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The measure of a master is his success in bringing all men around to his opinion twenty years later. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The moment we indulge our affections, the earth is metamorphosed, there is no winter and no night; all tragedies, all ennuis, vanish, - all duties even. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The next thing to saying a good thing yourself, is to quote one. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only reward of virtue is virtue. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only way to have a friend is to be one. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The peril of every fine faculty is the delight of playing with it for pride. Talent is commonly developed at the expense of character, and the greater it grows, the more is the mischief. Talent is mistaken for genius, a dogma or system for truth, ambition for greatest, ingenuity for poetry, sensuality for art. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The power of love, as the basis of a State, has never been tried. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The religion that is afraid of science dishonours God and commits suicide. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The reward for a thing well done is to have done it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The soul of God is poured into the world through the thoughts of men. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The sufferers parade their miseries, tear lint from their bruises, reveal their indictable crimes, that you may pity them. They like sickness, because physical pain will extort some show of interest from bystanders, as we have seen children, who, finding themselves of no account when grown people come in, will cough till they choke, to draw attention. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The years teach much which the days never knew. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are no days in life so memorable as those which vibrated to some stroke of the imagination. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There are two classes of poets - the poets by education and practice, these we respect; and poets by nature, these we love. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is always room for a man of force, and he makes room for many. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is no thought in any mind, but it quickly tends to convert itself into a power. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is nothing capricious in nature and the implanting of a desire indicates that its gratification is in the constitution of the creature that feel it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
This time, like all time, is a very good one if we but know what to do with it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To be great is to be misunderstood. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men-that is genius. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To fill the hour-that is happiness. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To share often and much; to leave the world a little better; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To the dull mind all nature is leaden. To the Illuminated mind the whole world burns and sparkle with lights. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
To the poet, to the philosopher, to the saint, all things are friendly and sacred, all events profitable, all days holy, all men divine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Trust your instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Truth is the summit of being; justice is the application of it to affairs. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Universities are of course hostile to geniuses, which, seeing and using ways of their own, discredit the routine: as churches and monasteries persecute youthful saints. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We aim above the mark to hit the mark. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are always getting ready to live but never living. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are born believing. A man bears beliefs, as a tree bears apples. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are prisoners of ideas. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are shut up in schools and college recitation rooms for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bellyfull of words and do not know a thing. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are students of words; we are shut up in schools, and colleges, and recitation rooms, for ten or fifteen years, and come out at last with a bag of wind, a memory of words, and do not know a thing. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are wiser than we know. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We boil at different degrees. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What a searching preacher of self-command is the varying phenomenon of health. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Who so would be a man, must be a nonconformist. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Women see better than men. Men see lazily, if they do not expect to act. Women see quite without any wish to act. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Work is victory. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. No man has learned anything rightly, until he know that every day is Doomsday. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
You cannot do wrong without suffering wrong. - Ralph Waldo Emerson....You ask, What is our policy? I will say; "It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us: to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy." You ask, What is our aim? I can answer with one word: Victory - victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
A communist is like a crocodile: when it opens its mouth you cannot tell whether it is trying to smile or preparing to eat you up. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
A joke is a very serious thing. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
A love for tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour of peril. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile--hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
An iron curtain has descended across the Continent. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. - Winston Churchill
Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality that guarantees all the others. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Danger - if you meet it promptly and without flinching - you will reduce the danger by half. Never run away from anything. Never! - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry. - Winston Churchill
Don't talk to me about Naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
Give us the tools and we will finish the job. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Winston Churchill
I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I am always willing to learn. I do not, however, always enjoy being taught. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod. - Sir Winston Churchill
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political statistic. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I like a man who grins when he fights. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time--a tremendous whack. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
If you will not fight for the right when you can easily win without bloodshed, if you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a small chance of survival. There may even be a worse case: you may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
In war: resolution. In defeat: defiance. In victory: magnanimity. In peace: goodwill. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. - Winston Churchill
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
It is a socialist idea that making profits is a vice; I consider the real vice is making losses. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary. - Sir Winston Churchill
Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it. - Winston Churchill
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duty, and so bear ourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.' - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on. - Winston Churchill
Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the 'worst' form of Government except all those others that have been tried from time to time. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. - Winston Churchill
Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Of course, we are all worms--but I like to think, at least, that I am a glowworm. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it." - a conversation between Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill
Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. - Sir Winston Churchill
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The empires of the future are the empires of the mind. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. - Winston Churchill
The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. - Winston Churchill
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself. - Sir Winston Churchill
The price of greatness is responsibility. - Sir Winston Churchill
The problems of victory are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
The whole history of the world is summed up in the fact that, when nations are strong, they are not always just, and when they wish to be just, they are no longer strong. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. - Winston Churchill
There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which we shall not put. - Winston Churchill
Those who can win a war well can rarely make a good peace and those who could make a good peace would never have won the war. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day. - Sir Winston Churchill
True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain hazardous, and conflicting information. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Vast and fearsome as the human scene has become, personal contact of the right people, in the right places, at the right time, may yet have a potent and valuable part to play in the cause of peace which is in our hearts. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. - Winston Churchill
We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and the oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Well, dinner would have been splendid... if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, and the maid as willing as the Duchess. - Winston Churchill
Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
Why Sir Churchill you are drunk! "And you are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning!" - a conversation between Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill
Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing  - after they've tried everything else. - Sir Winston Leonard Spencer ChurchillThe only thing he ought to consider, if he does anything, is whether he does right or wrong, whether it is what a good man does or a bad man. - Plato
Rhythm and harmony find their way into the inward places of the soul. - Plato
He best keeps from anger who remembers that God is always looking upon him. - Plato
Not one of them who took up in his youth with this opinion that there are no gods, ever continued until old age faithful to his conviction. - Plato
When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe  
them. - Plato
Democracy is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequal alike. - Plato
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than  
dishonesty. - Plato
Excess generally causes reaction, and produces a change in the opposite direction, whether it be in the seasons, or in individuals, or in governments. - Plato
I have good hope that there is something after death. - Plato
States are as the men, they grow out of human characters. - Plato
They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the  
truth. - Plato
Wealth is well known to be a great comforter. - Plato
The only thing worse than suffering an injustice is committing an injustice. - Plato
The beginning is the most important part of the work. - Plato
Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance. - Plato
The life that is unexamined is not worth living. - Plato
Ignorance of all things is an evil neither terrible nor excessive, nor yet the greatest of all; but great cleverness and much learning, if they be accompanied by a bad training, are a much greater misfortune. - Plato
I exhort you also to take part in the great combat, which is the combat of life, and greater than every other earthly combat. - Plato
Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history. - Plato
Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. - Plato
He was a wise man who invented God. - Plato
At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. - Plato
We are bound to our bodies like an oyster is to its shell. - Plato
Thinking men cannot be ruled. - Ayn Rand
The mind leads, the emotions follow. - Ayn Rand
Man's character is the product of his premises. - Ayn Rand
Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. - Ayn Rand
Individual rights are the means of subordinating society to moral law. - Ayn Rand
To fear to face an issue is to believe the worst is true. - Ayn Rand
Power-lust is a weed that grows only in the vacant lot of an empty mind. - Ayn Rand
Force and mind are opposites; morality ends where the gun begins. - Ayn Rand
There can be no such thing, in law or in morality, as actions forbidden to an individual, but permitted to a mob. - Ayn Rand
Civilization is the progress toward a society of privacy. The savage's whole existence is public, ruled by the laws of his tribe. Civilization is the process of setting man free from men. - Ayn Rand
Volumes can be and have been written about the issue of freedom versus dictatorship, but, in essence, it comes down to a single question: do you consider it moral to treat men as sacrificial animals and to rule them by physical force? - Ayn Rand
Definitions are the guardians of rationality, the first line of defense against the chaos of mental disintegration. - Ayn Rand
To know one's own desires, their meaning and their costs requires the highest human virtue: rationality. - Ayn Rand
Even if smog were a risk to human life, we must remember that life in nature, without technology, is wholesale death. - Ayn Rand
Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. - Ayn Rand
To discuss evil in a manner implying neutrality, is to sanction it. - Ayn Rand
The purpose of all art is the objectification of values. - Ayn Rand
Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think. - Ayn Rand
What is a demanding pleasure that demands the use of ones mind! Not in the sense of problem solving, but in the sense of exercising discrimination, judgment, awareness. - Ayn Rand
Every aspect of Western culture needs a new code of ethics -- a rational ethics -- as a precondition of rebirth. - Ayn Rand
Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments. An artist recreates those aspects of reality which represent his fundamental view of man's nature. - Ayn Rand
My philosophy, in essense, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute. - Ayn Rand
No concept man forms is valid unless he integrates it without contradiction into the sum of his knowledge. - Ayn Rand
The action required to sustain human life is primarily intellectual: Everything man needs has to be discovered by his mind and produced by his effort. - Ayn Rand
The only purpose of education is to teach a student how to live his life by developing his mind and equipping him to deal with reality. The training he needs is theoretical, i.e., conceptual. He has to be taught to think, to understand, to integrate, to prove. He has to be taught the essentials of the knowledge discovered in the past and he has to be equipped to acquire further knowledge by his own effort. - Ayn Rand
The idea that 'the public interest' supersedes private interests and rights can have but one meaning: that the interests and rights of some individuals take precedence over the interests and rights of others. - Ayn Rand
You seek escape from pain. We seek the achievement of hapiness. You exist for the sake of avoiding punishment. We exist for the sake of earning rewards. Threats will not make us function ; fear is not our incentive. It is not death that we wish to avoid, but life that we wish to live.- - Ayn Rand   Atlas Shrugged
Do you I am an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead. - Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. - Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. - Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. - Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
I am at two with nature. - Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. - Woody Allen
It is your typical love story: Guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy changes the underlying social order... - Woody Allen
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. - Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen
You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100. - Woody Allen
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. - Woody Allen, on the KKK
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw
Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. - George Bernard Shaw
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. - George Bernard Shaw
If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience. - George Bernard Shaw
There is no love sincerer than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw
I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. - George Bernard Shaw
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. - George Bernard Shaw
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. - George Bernard Shaw
The seven deadly sins: food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. - George Bernard Shaw
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. - George Bernard Shaw
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw
Lack of money is the root of all evil. - George Bernard Shaw
Martyrdom is the only way a person can become famous without ability. - George Bernard Shaw
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man - George Bernard Shaw
Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. - George Bernard Shaw
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed. - George Bernard Shaw
Every man is a revolutionist concerning the thing he understands. For example, every person who has mastered a profession is a sceptic concerning it, and consequently a revolutionist. - George Bernard Shaw
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw
Sherlock Holmes was a drug addict without a single amiable trait. - George Bernard Shaw
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. - George Bernard Shaw
A miracle, my friend, is an event which creates faith. That is the purpose and nature of miracles. - George Bernard Shaw
A miracle, my friend, is an event which creates faith. That is the purpose and nature of miracles. Frauds deceive. An event which creates faith does not deceive: therefore it is not a fraud, but a miracle. - George Bernard Shaw
A strange lady giving an address in Zurich wrote him [Shaw] a proposal, thus: `You have the greatest brain in the world, and I have the most beautiful body; so we ought to produce the most perfect child.' Shaw asked: `What if the child inherits my body and your brains?' - George Bernard Shaw
Alcohol is a very necessary article. It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober. It enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. - George Bernard Shaw
Anarchism is a game at which the police can beat you. - George Bernard Shaw
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. - George Bernard Shaw
He who has never hoped can never despair. - George Bernard Shaw
I don't believe in morality. I am a disciple of Bernard Shaw. - The Doctor's Dillema (1911) Act III
I never resist temptation because I have found things that are bad for me do not tempt me. - George Bernard Shaw
How can what an Englishman believes be heresy? It is a contradiction in terms. - George Bernard Shaw
If parents would only realize how they bore their own children! - George Bernard Shaw
In heaven an angel is nobody in particular. - George Bernard Shaw
Is the devil to have all the passions as well as all the good tunes? - George Bernard Shaw
Must then a Christ perish in torment in every age to save those that have no imagination? - George Bernard Shaw
One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. - George Bernard Shaw
SWINDON: What will history say? BURGOYNE: History, sir, will tell lies as usual. - The Devil's Disciple (1901) Act III
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules. - George Bernard Shaw
The thought of two thousand people munching celery at the same time horrified me. - George Bernard Shaw, explaining why had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. - George Bernard Shaw
Peace is not only better than war, but infinitely more arduous. - George Bernard Shaw
What we call education and culture is for the most part nothing but the substitution of reading for experience, of literature for life, of the obsolete fictitious for the contemporary real. - George Bernard Shaw
Life does not cease to be funny when people die; any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. - George Bernard Shaw
Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing. - George Bernard Shaw
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world. - George Bernard Shaw
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them. - George Bernard Shaw
Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. - George Bernard Shaw
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. - George Bernard Shaw
Nobel Prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety. - George Bernard Shaw
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. - George Bernard Shaw
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. - George Bernard Shaw
We have art in order not to die of the truth. - Friedrich Nietzsche  
Not infrequently, one encounters copies of important people; and, as with paintings, most people prefer the copy to the orginal. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. - Friedrich Nietzsche
There are no moral phenomena at all, but only moral interpretation of phenomena. - Friedrich Nietzsche
I know my fate. One day my name will be associated with the memory of something tremendous--a crisis without equal on earth, the most profound collision of conscience, a decision that was conjured up against everything that had been believed, demanded, hallowed so far. I am no man, I am dynamite. - Friedrich Nietzsche  
Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Verily, I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Friedrich Nietzsche
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Wit is the epitaph of an emotion. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Without music, life would be a mistake. - Friedrich Nietzsche
We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Morality is the best of all devices for leading mankind by the nose. - Friedrich Nietzsche
To do great things is difficult, but to command great things is more difficult. - Friedrich Nietzsche
"Every man has his price." This is not true. But for every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. To win over certain people to something, it is only necessary to give it a gloss of love of humanity, nobility, gentleness, self-sacrifice - and there is nothing you cannot get them to swallow. To their souls, these are the icing, the tidbit; other kinds of souls have others. - Friedrich Nietzsche
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Faith: not wanting to know what is true. - Friedrich Nietzsche
All good things were at one time bad things; every original sin has developed into an original virtue. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Woman was God's second blunder. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Morality is the herd instinct of the individual. - Friedrich Nietzsche
I teach you the superman. Man is something to be surpassed. - Friedrich Nietzsche
The bite of conscience, like the bite of a dog into a stone, is a stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
All truth is simple... is that not doubly a lie? - Friedrich Nietzsche
What? Is man merely a mistake of God's? Or God merely a mistake of  man's? - Friedrich Nietzsche
To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both -- a philosopher. - Friedrich Nietzsche
To educate educators! But the first ones must educate themselves! And for these I write. - Friedrich Nietzsche
One often contradicts an opinion when it is really only the tone in which it has  been presented that is unsympathetic. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Change of Cast - As soon as a religion comes to dominate it has as its opponents all those who would have been its first disciples. - Friedrich Nietzsche
Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity. - Oscar Wilde
I love acting. It is so much more real than life.  - Oscar Wilde
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde
No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. - Oscar Wilde
All art is quite useless. - Oscar Wilde
The basis of optimism is sheer terror. - Oscar Wilde
Nowadays, all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors like married men. - Oscar Wilde
It is only the superficial qualities that last. Man's deeper nature is soon found out. - Oscar Wilde
A man's very highest moment is, I have no doubt at all, when he kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of his life. - Oscar Wilde
The well-bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves. - Oscar Wilde
Crying is the refuge of plain women but the ruin of pretty ones. - Oscar Wilde
On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure. - Oscar Wilde
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - Oscar Wilde
One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art. - Oscar Wilde
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde
One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead. - Oscar Wilde
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. - Oscar Wilde
If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism. - Oscar Wilde
To give an accurate description of what has never occurred is not merely the proper occupation of the historian, but the inalienable privilege of any man of parts and culture. - Oscar Wilde
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. - Oscar Wilde
The husbands of very beautiful women belong to the criminal classes. - Oscar Wilde
Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. - Oscar Wilde
The intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that is all. - Oscar Wilde
Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands. - Oscar Wilde
A kiss may ruin a human life. - Oscar Wilde
Literature always anticipates life. It does not copy it, but moulds it to its purpose. The nineteenth century, as we know it, is largely an invention of Balzac. - Oscar Wilde
My experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all. - Oscar Wilde
Lord Illingworth: All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. Mrs. Allonby: No man does. That is his. - Oscar Wilde
The condition of perfection is idleness: the aim of perfection is youth. - Oscar Wilde
Popularity is the crown of laurel which the world puts on bad art. Whatever is popular is wrong. - Oscar Wilde
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. - Oscar Wilde
Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. - Oscar Wilde
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. - Oscar Wilde
Lots of people act well, but few people talk well. This shows that talking is the more difficult of the two. - Oscar Wilde
To have the reputation of possessing the most perfect social tact, talk to every woman as if you loved her, and to every man as if he bored you. - Oscar Wilde
The worst form of tyranny the world has ever known the tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that lasts. - Oscar Wilde
Every man of ambition has to fight his century with its own weapons. What this century worships is wealth. The God of this century is wealth. To succeed one must have wealth. At all costs one must have wealth. - Oscar Wilde
Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attraction of others. - Oscar Wilde
From the point of view of literature Mr. Kipling is a genius who drops his aspirates. From the point of view of life, he is a reporter who knows vulgarity better than any one has ever known it. - Oscar Wilde
Those whom the gods love grow young. - Oscar Wilde
You will care much less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do. - Oscar Wilde
To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live, to be lulled into security is to die. - Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde
The clever people never listen, and the stupid people never talk. - Oscar Wilde
Youth smiles without any reason. It is one of its chiefest charms. - Oscar Wilde
Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations. - Oscar Wilde
Society often forgives the criminal; it never forgives the dreamer. - Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. - Oscar Wilde
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. - Oscar Wilde
When the gods choose to punish us, they merely answer our prayers. - Oscar Wilde
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. - Oscar Wilde
I like Wagner's music better than any other music. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without hearing what one says. That is a great advantage. - Oscar Wilde
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde
Bernard Shaw has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde
"The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'"
"The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea...
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific.
Life is wasted on the living.- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
In the beginning I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.- Marvin the Paranoid Android
To be, or what?- Sylvester Stallone
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. - Joseph Fischer
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin The Paranoid Android
"Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone. "  Anthony Burgess 
"Space...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. "  Douglas Adams 
In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.   - Douglas Adam
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Save a tree. Eat a beaver. 
Sorry, no quote today. 
There are three kinds of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't. 
Gravity doesn't excist, the earth sucks.
Blind men don't bungi jump, it scares the dog too much.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing - Mark Twain 
Humor is the shortest distance between two people - Henry Youngman 
The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in the bed.   - Geoffrey Gorer
"It is a good thing to follow the first law of holes; if you are in one stop digging. "  Denis Healey 
In his novel ''Dog Years,'' Gunter Grass parodies Heideggerese in the character of a German Air Force auxiliary named Stortebeker, who ''created a philosophical schoolboy language that was soon prattled by many, with varying success.'' Every commonplace incident or object can be rechristened in Stortebeker/Heidegger's hilarious language. Underdone potatoes in the mess kitchen, for example, are ''spuds forgetful of Being.'' Stortebeker relaxes by catching rats, so they are the object of some of his best ruminations: ''The rat withdraws itself by unconcealing itself into the ratty. So the rat errates the ratty, illuminating it with errancy. For the ratty has come-to-be in the errancy where the rat errs and so fosters error.''
Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes? 
ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo 
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. 
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. 
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Life is sexually transmitted.
A good laugh is sunshine in a house. (William Makepeace Thackeray)
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
I have great faith in fools--self-confidence my friends call it. (Edgar Allan Poe)
I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. (Anonymous)
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of it ... it would have been much better. (Karl Marx's mother)
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose Bierce)
I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress. (Jane Siberry)
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Needing someone is like needing a parachute.  If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,  "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: My Reality Check bounced.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is.
As you slide down the banister of life, may their be no splinters pointing the wrong way.  
May your trouble be like the old man's teeth...few and far between.
May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 
May you be in heaven a half hour before the Devil knows your dead.
May you have the hindsight to know where you have been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far...
May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live.
May the Good Lord take a liking to you.....but not too soon.  
May the saddest day of you future be no worse than the happiest day of your life.
Even the blind squirrel finds a nut occasionally.
Bald Guys never have a bad hair day.
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell you Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away) 
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle  Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle (better start again)
Xerox and Wurlitzer:  They're going to make reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:  New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:  New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company:  New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M & Goodyear:  MMMGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price:  Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:  Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:  Mine, All Mine
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:  Zip Audi Do-Da
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:  Knott NOW!
Netscape & Yahoo:  Net 'n' Yahoo
Fed-Ex & UPS: FedUp
Why was the blonde so happy when she finished the puzzle in three monts? On the box it said 3-6 years.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives.....They irritate the shit out of you.
What should you give a man who has everything? A smarter man to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  
The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?  They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it's never happened.
Why are men like tile floors? If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for years.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
Why is it hard to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  Because they already have boyfriends.
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -Monty Python
The lights are on but no one's home. 
She has Van Gogh's ear for music. 
He's as sharp as a beach ball. 
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! 
I would engage you in a battle of wits butI refuse to duel with an unarmed person. 
He's not playing with a full deck, and the cards he does have are rather shuffled! 
The proctologist called... they found your head. 
His elevator dosn't go to the top.
She's a few fries short of a happy meal. 
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. - L. Atkinson 
Oh Dear! Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! 
The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead... 
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 
People would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 
She's depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 
Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're a jerk. 
Your about as slow as a turtle crawling through peanut butter. 
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain. 
If things get better with age, he's approaching magnificent! 
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes... 
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the JuneFlower. 
When you say that your troubles are as great as my own, that may be true; but consider the fact that mine happen to me while yours merely happen to you. 
The engine is running but there's nobody at the wheel. 
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. 
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. 
Her best friend once sent her a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." 
Don't go away mad, just go away! 
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. 
We've Upped Our Quality, So Up Yours! 
Just because your head is pointed doesn't mean you're sharp. 
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful.
You're about as bright as a burned out light bulb in a dark room.
He's about as exciting as my wall.
They say that only nice people go to heaven, so be nice, or go to hell.
You give superficial a bad name. - Byron Alley
A chat with you, and death loses its sting!
If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt & teach it to walk backwards!
Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. 
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization. 
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Bank: A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it. 
Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain. 
Blotter: Something to look for while the ink dries.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Budget: Something we go without to stay within.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Camel: A horse designed by a committee. 
Capital punishment: Income tax.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.
Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Death: Life's way of saying, "You can let go of your ankles now."
Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
Dieting: Wishful shrinking.
-e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word "farm".
Engineer: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny 
Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Against stupidity, the Gods themselves contend in vain! 
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. 
Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it. 
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. 
A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. 
Silence is wise if we are foolish, but foolish if we are wise.
The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten. 
In the winds of change, keep the fire within. 
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. 
Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell. 
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. 
Never try to leap a chasm in two jumps. 
Water which is too pure has no fish. 
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts. 
Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped on. 
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life.
A man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement. 
A man who throws dirt loses ground. 
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. 
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. 
A proverb is the wisdom of many and the wit of one. 
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune. 
A ton of regret never made an ounce of difference. 
A true friend walks in when the world walks out. 
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 
A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. 
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 
Be bold in what you stand for; and careful what you fall for. 
Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts. 
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. 
Too much sunshine makes a desert. 
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 
A closed mouth gathers no foot. 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
He who hesitates is probably right. 
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Always try to be the best, but don't ever think you are the best. 
Money is a good servant, but a bad master.
People in glass houses should always wear clothes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Never clean your room while your plane ticket is in it.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Simplicity of character is the result of profound thought.
When ideas fail, words become very handy.
You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 
No matter where you are, thats where your at. 
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.  
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. 
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. 
Common Sense is very Uncommon.  
When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come.  
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.  
Where ever you go, there you are.  
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those that got there first.  
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
There are two kinds of people in the world,  those that think there are two kinds of people in the world, and those that know better.  
We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.
Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same. 
He who bites his own dog barks last. 
Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man heathy but socially dead. 
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly. 
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. 
Nothing has value but that which you grant it.
To meet an old friend in a distant land is like refreshing rain after a long drought.
Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we shouldn't show it off.  - Gene Petret 
When someone points skyward, it's the fool the looks at the finger.
On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.
Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
An agreeable person is someone who agrees with you.
The best things in life aren't things. 
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. 
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. 
There are no passengers on spaceship Earth- we are all the crew. 
The wonder of a single snowflake outweighs the wisdom of a million meteorologists. 
There are no strangers in this world, just friends we've never met. 
We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 
Who gossips to you will gossip of you. 
You always find something in the last place you look.
You can't help the poor man by destroying the rich. 
You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 
If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart. 
It is better to regret something you did, rather than to regret something you didn't do. 
It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you've done. 
It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.
Live such that when you die, even the undertaker will be sorry. 
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.  
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. 
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission. 
Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it. - Andre' Gide
Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
It is best not to swap horses while crossing the river.  - Lincoln 
Live dangerously and you live right.
Character, like good soup, is made at home.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Be exceedingly humble, for the fate of man is but the worm.
Add life to your years, instead of years to your life.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 
It is hard to stumble when you're on your knees. 
It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite. 
It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. 
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
"Wise man make proverbs but fools repeat them."
A person whose heart is not content is like a snake which tries to swallow an elephant (Chinese proverb)
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. 
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 
Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.
Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. 
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. 
Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it).
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. 
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 
Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk. 
Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. 
Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. 
Sex: A disrobic experience 
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. 
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. 
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it. 
Tact : The ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them look forward to the trip.
Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain blow towards you while trying to shower. 
Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before. 
Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes. 
Writer: Someone who's never seen a chasm that didn't yawn.Your sister didn't get beat with the ugly stick. The whole treee fell on her!
What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn't vanity, dear, that's imagination.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilage.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Brains by Mattel.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you?
Her face was her chaperone. Ouch!
You have the people skills of a belt sander!
Here's a Quarter, call somebody who cares.
When he came to the fountain of knowledge, he merely gargled.
Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope. - Irish Curse
His IQ is 2 (it takes 3 to grunt)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Her slinky's kinked.
I think, therefore, I am ... not related to you. 
You may have a point there, but if you part your hair different, no one would see.
You're more unprepared than a vegetarian at a state barbeque.
I dont know what your problem is, but i'll bet its hard to pronounce!
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. 
Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to real life.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
He who laughs, lasts.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.        - A. Whitney Brown 
Announcer: This is the story of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, perhaps the most remarkable, certainly the most successful book ever to come out of the great publishing corporation of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than 53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This God Person, Anyway?
Ford Prefect: We're safe. Arthur Dent: Ah. Good. Ford Prefect: We're in a cabin of one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet. Arthur Dent: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I hadn't previously been aware of. 
Announcer: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a really neat idea.
Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young. Ford Prefect: Why? What did she tell you? Arthur Dent: I don't know. I didn't listen. 
Announcer: Men were real men. Women were real women. And small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were *real* small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
Marvin: It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget, capisco? [Pause] Okay. Get the axe.
Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can't like it.
Slartibartfast: Is that your robot? Marvin: No. I'm mine. 
Dish of the Day: Good evening, madame and gentlemen. I am the main dish of the day. May I interest you in parts of my body?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford! How many escape capsules are there? Ford Prefect: None. Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them? Ford Prefect: Twice. 
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?"  "Completely pointless." (Blackadder, Series II)
98% of all statistics are made up. (Anonymous)
Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much. 
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. 
When it's fall in New York, the air smells like as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breath the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building. -- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless 
...and the aptly named 'Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film'. -- Monty Python 
10 out of 5 doctors think it's OK to be schizofrenic. 
2 + 2 = 5, for sufficiently large values of 2. 
Roses are red Violets are blue Some poems rhyme But not this 
Quotations are for people who aren't saying things worth quoting. 
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways? 
I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.   - Zsa Zsa GaborThe average chocolate bar has 8 insect's legs in it.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime during the night.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
Donald Duck comics were once banned in Finland because he didn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
"Bones! Help this man, he's injured!" "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a ... oh, ummm, yeah."
He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet. 
"He's BREAD, Jim." - McCoy after a tragic transporter accident while visiting planet Pillsbury.
"He's DEAD, Jim. Get his ears." - Spock
"He's ALIVE, Jim. Where did I go wrong?"
"He's DEAD, Jim. Tell the Klingons that dinner is served"
"Scotty, beam us aboard". "Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"
"Logic has nothing to do with it, it's just lust." - Spock the pimp
Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim
To HELL with the Prime Directive.... FIRE!!! - Kirk 
AAAAAGGGGHHHH" - Any "Classic" Star Trek Security officer sometime during the show.
"Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..." - Kirk
Don't let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the 'Captain's Log' 
Spock to Kirk at his annual review: "I'm tired or wearing the same shirt and I can't afford a good haircut." 
Kirk: To heck with the Prime Directive, I want to sleep with that girl!
"Captain, I cannot believe my ears!" - Spock
Real Klingons don't use .signature files.
Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward; 'cuz we can't find reverse!
A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well fed.
All right who's been cooking hot dogs in the Warp Drive?
Beat me, whip me, make me write Tribble taglines.
Beverly can turn Data off but only Tasha can turn him on.
Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye!
"Captain, why not just give the Borg Windows?" - Worf
"Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here?" - Odo
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye Captain. 300 dpi?"
And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh...
Borg-Cola : Not the choice of The Next Generation.
BorgDOS 5.0: Assimilate another (Y/N)?
Borger King: "Have it our way, your way is irrelevant"
Clinton Borg "Inhaling is irrelevant"
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction. - Albert Einstein
Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein
I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details. - Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. - Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. -  - Albert Einstein
The only real valuable thing is intuition. - Albert Einstein
A person starts to live when he can live outside himself. - Albert Einstein
I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice. - Albert Einstein
God is subtle but he is not malicious. - Albert Einstein
Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. - Albert Einstein
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein
The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility. - Albert Einstein
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing. - Albert Einstein
Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind. - Albert Einstein
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. - Albert Einstein
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. - Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. - Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. - Albert Einstein
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it. - Albert Einstein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. - Albert Einstein
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. - Albert Einstein
God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. - Albert Einstein
The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking. - Albert Einstein
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal. - Albert Einstein
Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. - Albert Einstein
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. - Albert Einstein
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. - Albert Einstein
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. - Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. - Albert Einstein
Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity. - Albert Einstein
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. - Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Albert Einstein
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. - Albert Einstein
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein
In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep. - Albert Einstein
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead. - Albert Einstein
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. - Albert Einstein
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them! - Albert Einstein
No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? - Albert Einstein
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind. - Albert Einstein
Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever. - Albert Einstein
The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker. - Albert Einstein
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.  - Albert Einstein
A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. - Albert Einstein
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge. - Albert Einstein
Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion. - Albert Einstein
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein
One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year. - Albert Einstein
...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought. - Albert Einstein
He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder. - Albert Einstein
A human being is a part of a whole, called by us "universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. - Albert Einstein
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) - Albert Einstein
To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. - Albert Einstein
God does not play dice - on quantum mechanics. - Albert Einstein
Einstein, stop telling God what to do. - Niels Bohr
The laws of nature should appear the same to all free moving observers. - Albert Einstein
Observers should all measure the same speed of light, no matter how they are moving. - Albert Einstein
Nothing can move faster than light. - Albert Einstein
No matter how fast one is moving toward or away from a source of light, the speed of light will always appear the same, a constant 186000 miles per second. - Albert Einstein
Space and time are relative. - Albert Einstein
A very important consequence of relativity is the relation between mass and energy. - Albert Einstein
To accelerate a particle to speed of light is impossible because it would take an infinte amount of energy. - Albert Einstein
1905 Special Theory of Relativity. E=Mc2 (Energy equals Mass multiplied by the of the speed of light squared). - Albert Einstein
The clocks of two people would agree if they were at rest with respect to each others but not if they were moving. - Albert Einstein
Absolute rest (ehter) and absolute time are not absolute but relative. - Albert Einstein
1916 General theory of relativity. Gravity is a warping of space-time. - Albert Einstein
If you change the distribution of matter in one region of space, the change in the gravitational field would be felt instantnously everywhere else in the universe- Newton's law of gravity. - Albert Einstein
Newton's law of gravity implies absolute time. - Albert Einstein
Someone in a closed box canot tell whether he is sitting at rest in the earth's gravitational field or bein accelerated by a rocket in free space. - Albert Einstein
If the earth were flat one could equally well say that the apple fell on Newton's head beacuse of gravity or that Newton's head hit the apple because he and the surface of the earth were accelerating upward. - Albert Einstein
Space-time is curved. - Albert Einstein
Object will try to move in straight lines but their paths will appear to be bent by a gravitational field because space-time is curved. - Albert Einstein
Gravitational forces are an expression of the fact that space-time is curved. - Albert Einstein
Space and time are active participants in the dynamics of the cosmos. - Albert Einstein
The cosmological constant warps space-time the other way so that bodies move apart. - Stephen Hawking on Einstein 
The repulsive effect of the cosmological constant balances the attractive effect of matter. - Stephen Hawking on Einstein
The cosmological constant is the greatest mistake of my life. - Albert Einstein
Politics for the moment while an equation is for eternity. - Albert Einstein
Gravity is not a force. - Albert Einstein
Warping of space-time happens in the presence of mass. - Albert Einstein
Gravity and acceleration are equivalent. - Albert Einstein
A moving object appears to shrink in the direction of motion as seend by a stationary observer. - Albert Einstein
Experiments before 1880 showed that light always travels athe the same speed relative to you, no matter how you were moving - basis for Einsteins axiom on moving observers.
The unified field theory was supposed to establish a link between gravity (space-time) and electromagnetism (quantum). - Albert Einstein
I must seem like an ostrich who forever burries its head in the sand in order not to face the evil quanta. - Albert Einstein
The challenge is to create a complete theory for every element of the physical reality. - Albert Einstein
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. - Albert Einstein
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. - 
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. - Albert Einstein.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. - Albert Einstein
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. - Albert Einstein
When the number of factors coming into play in a phenomenological complex is too large scientific method in most cases fails. One need only think of the weather, in which case the prediction even for a few days ahead is impossible. Neverthess, no one doubts that we are confronted with a causal connection whose causal components are in the main known to us. Occurrences in this domain are beyond the reach of exact perdiction because of the variety of factors in operation, not because of any lack of order in nature. - Albert Einstein
I think that a particle must have a separate reality independent of the measurements. That is an electron has spin, location and so forth even when it is not being measured. I like to think that the moon is there even if I am not looking at it. - Albert Einstein
All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree. All these aspirations are directed toward ennobling man's life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading the individual towards freedom. - Albert Einstein
Relativity teaches us the connection between the different descriptions of one and the same reality. - Albert Einstein
I sometimes ask myself how it came about that I was the one to develop the theory of relativity. The reason, I think, is that a normal adult never stops to think about problems of space and time. These are things which he has thought about as a child. But my intellectual development was retarded,as a result of which I began to wonder about space and time only when I had already grown up. - Albert Einstein
When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With sticks and stones.
The discovery of nuclear chain reactions need not bring about the destruction of mankind any more than did the discovery of matches. We only must do everything in our power to safeguard against its abuse. Only a supranational organization, equipped with a sufficiently strong executive power, can protect us. - Albert Einstein
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing. - Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. - Albert Einstein
Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them. - Albert Einstein
Strange is our Situation Here Upon Earth. - Albert Einstein
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. - Albert Einstein
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein
If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein
The faster you go, the shorter you are. - Albert Einstein
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. - Albert Einstein
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. - Albert Einstein
Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. - Albert Einstein
If the possibility of the spiritual development of all individuals is to be secured, a second kind of outward freedom is necessary. The development of science and of the creative activities of the spirit in general requires still another kind of freedom, which may be characterised as inward freedom. It is this freedom of the spirit which consists in the interdependence of thought from the restrictions of authoritarian and social prejudices as well as from unphilosophical routinizing and habit in general. This inward freedom is an infrequent gift of nature and a worthy object for the individual. - Albert Einstein
We have penetrated far less deeply into the regularities obtaining within the realm of living things, but deeply enough nevertheless to sense at least the rule of fixed necessity ..... what is still lacking here is a grasp of the connections of profound generality, but not a knowledge of order itself. - Albert Einstein
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods. - Albert Einstein
When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. - Albert Einstein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. - Albert Einstein
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. - Albert Einstein
Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who read too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking. - Albert Einstein
We all know, from what we experience with and within ourselves, that our conscious acts spring from our desires and our fears. Intuition tells us that that is true also of our fellows and of the higher animals. We all try to escape pain and death, while we seek what is pleasant. We are all ruled in what we do by impulses; and these impulses are so organised that our actions in general serve for our self preservation and that of the race. Hunger, love, pain, fear are some of those inner forces which rule the individual's instinct for self preservation. At the same time, as social beings, we are moved in the relations with our fellow beings by such feelings as sympathy, pride, hate, need for power, pity, and so on. All these primary impulses, not easily described in words, are the springs of man's actions. All such action would cease if those powerful elemental forces were to cease stirring within us. Though our conduct seems so very different from that of the higher animals, the primary instincts are much aloke in them and in us. The most evident difference springs from the important part which is played in man by a relatively strong power of imagination and by the capacity to think, aided as it is by language and other symbolical devices. Thought is the organising factor in man, intersected between the causal primary instincts and the resulting actions. In that way imagination and intelligence enter into our existence in the part of servants of the primary instincts. But their intervention makes our acts to serve ever less merely the immediate claims of our instincts. - Albert Einstein
Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be. If one asks the whence derives the authority of fundamental ends, since they cannot be stated and justifed merely by reason, one can only answer: they exist in a healthy society as powerful traditions, which act upon the conduct and aspirations and judgements of the individuals; they are there, that is, as something living, without its being necessary to find justification for their existence. They come into being not through demonstration but through revelation, through the medium of powerful personalities. One must not attempt to justify them, but rather to sense their nature simply and clearly. - Albert Einstein
All men are ignorant, just in different fields. - Albert Einstein Einstein
Cloak captioned for the Romulan impaired.
"Distance is irrelevant" - Pythagoras of Borg
Ensign Singer... Make it sew.
Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution....
"Hey, Worf! I hooked Data up to a Modem... wanna see?"
How come I can never find Troi when I'm mad at her?
I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ....ooooh donuts!
I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective?
How do I set my Laser printer to "Stun"?
I can't believe it. I've heard of this disease. - Beverly
"I said Crusher, NOT Crush her!" - Worf to his brother Kurn.
Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?
McBorg'ers: Over 1,000,000 assimilated.
Mister Worf, show these children the airlock. - Picard
Mr. Worf, fire at will. ** ZAP! ** Hey, where'd Riker go?
Strangely, Data finds himself relating to heavy metal.
The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T-shirt
We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
"Cry on someone else's shoulder, I'm off-duty." - Troi
A drunk Borg - Resistant as floor tile.
Honk if you've slept with Riker.
"Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will" 
Defect borg: "Refutile is sistance; your ass will be simulated."
Original Pentium of Borg: "Division is futile - your decimels will be approximated."
Captain, could I play some jazz?" -- "Make it soul, No. 1Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and whales are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left-handed.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
'Marijauna' was the Mexican name given to cannabis.
George Washington and Thomas Jeffersion grew hemp.
More than 400,000 Americans are arrested each year on marijuana charges.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
Sacred cows make the best burgers. 
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
One good turn gets most of the blankets. 
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. 
Fortune tellers are for the poor; psychics are for the rich. 
No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing. 
"You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."
When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies!
No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Sometimes you laugh until you cry, and sometimes you cry until you laugh.
If your not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
People who say "Don't Postpone Joy" are usually in outrageous credit card debt. - Daniel Casey
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button. 
A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart!
Only 7% of the population are lefties.
40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
The average housefly lives for one month.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.  They enter while you sleep!
The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.
Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.
In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.
The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburettor.
Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about. - Douglas Adams
All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss. - Douglas Adams
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get *there*. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. - Douglas Adams
Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to. - Douglas Adams
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... - Douglas Adams
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. - Douglas Adams
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. - Douglas Adams
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. - Douglas Adams
If on the other hand he went to pay his respects to The Door and it wasn't there...what then? The answer, of course, was very simple. He had a whole board of circuits for dealing with exactly this problem, in fact this was the very heart of his function. He would continue to believe in it whatever the facts turned out to be, what else was the meaning of belief? The Door would still be there, even if the Door was not. - Douglas Adams
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move. - Douglas Adams
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always as they seem. - Douglas Adams
It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase "As pretty as an airport" appear. - Douglas Adams
Life is wasted on the living. - Douglas Adams
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. - Douglas Adams
Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - Douglas Adams
The Hitch Hiker's Guide has not been an opera. It has however been a tapestry, if you count a woven bath towel as a tapestry. - Douglas Adams
The night sky over the planet Krikkit is the least interesting sight in the entire Universe. - Douglas Adams
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. - Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. - Douglas Adams
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. - Douglas Adams
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. - Douglas Adams
Very deep. You should send that into Reader's Digest, they've got a page for people like you. - Douglas Adams
You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young! "Why, what did she tell you?" I don't know, I didn't listen! - Douglas Adams
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford! How many escape capsules are there? Ford Prefect: None. Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them? Ford Prefect: Twice. 
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea...
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
Life is wasted on the living.- Zaphod Beeblebrox IV
In the beginning I was made.  I didn't ask to be made.  No one consulted me or considered my feelings in this matter.  But if it brought some passing fancy to some lowly humans as they haphazardly pranced their way through life's mournful jungle then so be it.- Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin The Paranoid Android
"Space...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist, but that's just peanuts to space. "  Douglas Adams 
In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea.   - Douglas Adam
Don't drink water, fish breed in it.
Don't Panic. Count to ten ... then Panic!
Don't Panic. The Earth is just being demolished for a hyperspace bypass.
Some people say less is more, No. More is more, and too much is never enough.
Don't be humble, you're not that great.
A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets.
Too much of everything is just enough.
Tonight you're a star, and I'm the big dipper.
Live for Love, for without Love you don't live.
It's hard for me to say what's right, when all I wanna do is wrong.
The first duty of love is to listen.
Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
Live life 2 the max, it's over before you noticed.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Don't count the days, make the days count. 
Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon.
Hey superman where are you now, when everything is going wrong somehow ?
Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
If God had intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
Do you worship fire or do you worship a dove ?
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Do you dream in colors or do you discriminate ?
Don't let your mind wander, it's too little to be let out alone.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
You cannot hurry up the growing of a plant by pulling the leaves.
The past is present in the future.
There is no greater waste as a waste of time.
distrust is a sign of weakness.
Letters and E-mails don't blush...
Fate shuffles the cards and we play with them.
The safest seat in a aeroplane is within the black box.
A crowd counts many heads but few brains.
As long as you do not move you can still choose any direction.
Today is the difference between yesterday and tomorrow.
If you got the words it does not mean you got the knowledge.
I wonder when we'll find the answer to all the april snow...
People are like clouds all unique...
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
There's a fine line between an attitude problem and thinking clearly
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for enough good men to do nothing." - Edmund Burke
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
Suppose they held a war and nobody came?
98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both.
Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet. - Frank Zappa
Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.
When the rich wage war, its the poor who die.
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
'If I could do one thing with the world, I'd turn the entire human race into empaths. Make everybody feel everyone's pain. If we could all truly empathize with each other, there would be an immediate end to most human misery. Famines would stop as rich countries fall over themselves to send aid...'
I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
The trouble with doing something right the first time, is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
We have to belive in free will. We have no choice.
Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
Sometimes the squeaky wheel doesn't get the grease, it just gets replaced.
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
People would enjoy life more if, once they got what they wanted, they could remember how much they wanted it.
Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
"Ignore reality. There's nothing you can do about it." - Natalie Imbruglia
Do not blame others for making you mad. Anger is a choice. Choose wisely.
If the eyes are windows to the soul, your smile is the front door.
Laugh and the world laughs with you... Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Colonial American proverb
Begin signature.exe virus..... If you can still read this, you have been infected. Please format your hard drive immediately. HTH.HAND.
My penis is not a visual aide.
Error: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue, F2 to enter setup. 
"Your problem is a driver error. replace the driver located 18 inches from the monitor screen"
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